>I am not in a great place, and probably should choose another time to blog but I have a lot on my mind so prepare for the mental diarrhea. I came to a realization about myself today as I was downing a Diet Dr. Pepper. I have no self control. Every day I think to myself, “Today I am going to watch what I eat and not drink so much pop.” And every day I load up on junk (ice cream and granola bars today) and drink way too much pop (I drank 4 1/2 liter bottles of pop today, yes that is 2 liters.) Wow. So not only am I fat and getting fatter, but I am poor. I spend about 40 dollars a month on pop. That seems outrageous to me, and yet, I still keep buying the stuff. The worst part is, Leila likes it too. Every time she sees me with one she asks for a drink. Now, I know this isn’t PC but I don’t mind her having some pop from time to time, but I am not a fan of the caffeine and aspartame that she is taking in when swigs down as much Diet Dr. Pepper as she can manage before I tell her she has had enough. I am ok with pickling myself in chemical ridden soda but I owe it to her to consider her health more carefully. Damn it this lead by example stuff is hard to handle. So there you go. Junk food and diet pop. Every night I go to bed feeling like a failure because I can’t even handle feeding myself without going overboard.
So not only do I lack the will power to kick the carbonation addiction, I behave the SAME WAY when it comes to money. Money is really tight right now, and it is going to be for a couple of years. I have been trying to do smart meal planning and grocery shopping and not buying things that we don’t absolutely need, but just like that chocolate ice cream, I walk out of Target with a cart full of stuff that I had to have and 100 dollars less than I brought with me. If you saw what my paychecks look like, you would know how important that 100 dollars is. So I go to bed at night disappointed in myself and regretful about my consumption.
I am enrolling Leila in a gymnastics class. 40 dollars a month that we don’t really have. What are the odds that I can kick the pop habit and replace my 40 dollars worth of sweet bubbly pop in exchange for a fun activity for Leila? Wish me luck.
My over consumption and general gluttony has really got me down. After Leila was born I wrote a blog post that I have linked in my sidebar, about self acceptance. Three years later, I am still doing a terrible job of living a life that I can be happy with. I want to go to bed feeling content, accomplished, healthy and relaxed. I need to get past my own insecurities, tackle my bad habits and learn to “Let Go and Let God.” What an exhausting to do list. If only I could accept and appreciate myself enough to put in the work.
"We are not put on this earth for ourselves, but are placed here for each other. If you are always there for others, then in time of need, someone will be there for you.
-- Jeff Warner
"What I want to say to you is that sometimes life catches you by surprise and you feel unequipped to handle what it brings you, but every bit of life you've lived before that moment equips you to live through it. That's what I would give to you."
-Fanni Victoria Green-Lemons (talking to her daughter)
If there is any secret to this life I live, this is it: the sound of what cannot be seen sings within everything that can, there is nothing more to it than that.
"The most important thing she'd learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one."