I have a notes app on my phone that I sometimes record references to possible future blog posts, thoughts that I have run through my mind when I can’t keep the course of whatever it is I am supposed to be focused on. There is always something, and its rarely something I chose for myself, but that isn’t really the truth. Every bit of my situation is a result of a choice I made.
The past year has been the most challenging of my working career, and the year of post Eliot employment has just closed out and I have reason to be reflective and consider the future apart from the past. The current state of my mind is focused on taking back what I can of my time and my energy while trying to maintain the level of focus I need to do the job I have. It’s one of those moments that builds the lump in my chest, one where I feel I am at a crossroads. I can take my bad feelings and push them away and evaluate my life and my values and how to best maintain them and move forward, or I can gnash my teeth and furrow my brow in indignation over the injustice of it all.
If you know me, you know that I will stew and analyze all while maintaining a positive attitude while I work on my plan B.
The only time I get really upset, is when I think about all that I have given of the first year of Eliot’s life. I have spent a disgraceful amount of time in a state of stress and distraction that has kept me from truly enjoying my last baby.
I have missed an entire year of blogging. A good portion of a year of sleeping. At least half of the year of exercising. Now I just need to decide what I need to focus on bringing back.