Authenticity

2019 is the year that I start reading regularly, for my self – I am not counting Green Eggs and Ham here! I set a goal to read a book a month and so far I have read seven books, so I am feeling pretty confident about meeting that goal. Good writers are good readers.  I want to be a good writer.

I try to mix up my reading.  I have as many as three books going at once – one purely for entertainment, one to make me smarter and one to make me healthier in mind and/or body.

I am finding that my three categories have a lot of overlap.  It probably says something about my taste in books and what I need in my life right now.

One of my biggest struggles has always been balancing who I am with who I want people to think that I am. It’s an exhausting struggle.  I can’t even determine if I am anxious and depressed because of this struggle, or if being so conflicted  about appearances is what makes me anxious and sad.

I weigh myself down with the pressure for all that I represent.  My husband.  My children.  My parents. My extended family. My Church. My gender. My size. My race. My country.  I feel so much shame and so much insecurity.  I have a remarkable memory for all of the ways that I have failed and fallen short of the standard that lives in my mind like an unreachable mirage.

From the latest book on my bookshelf – Braving the Wilderness by Brené Brown, “Do not think you can be brave with your life and your work and never disappoint anyone. It doesn’t work that way.”

I am not brave.

 

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