There was a time shortly after Thea was born when I clearly remember being in complete misery.  There is a certain amount of misery that comes with every childbirth experience.  I had that.  Then I also had some nursing issues that were causing me sharp shooting pains in my chest, coupled with mastitis so I also had a lovely fever.  No sleep.  Fat uncomfortable body with added pain and I clearly remember wanting to give up, crawl into bed and never emerge.

I’m getting there.  This time the misery is much more mental than physical, though the fat uncomfortable body is still around for the excitement.

I know that many of us are at some version of this hell.  This year has been such a disaster in so many ways, but this pandemic has me feeling like I am balancing on a very precarious rock perched over oceans of dark seas of unknown depth and lingering monsters. At the same time, I am holding tight to the precious gift of time at home.

In this very unsettling time I must also admit that there is a certain loveliness in the uncertainty, and the required break from the daily grind that was my life prior to March of 2020.  Some of it is great.  Time at home, time with my dog, time with my kids – watching them enjoy a true old fashion summer of running the streets and riding bikes and having fun from sun up to sun down.

For me, I am at that point where I am feeling like I have squandered so much opportunity during this “escape.”  I haven’t been exercising much, though I could go out and walk or run between meetings and no one would know because I am working from home and no one has to smell me.  I have been eating fast food and drinking too much beer.  I should be making homemade, healthy meals because I am here 30 minutes earlier every day without the commute/kid pick up time in the schedule. I am wasting, and I can’t say that this is time well wasted.

Some days I think this time will be passed before I know it and everything will be as it was before, other times I feel like this will never end. Much like maternity leave.  Some days I can’t wait to get back to work, to my regular routine, others I just want to be here, in this place with my kids and the mess and the chaos, forever.