I am really struggling. Not in a way that I can put into a clear list of what’s wrong and what needs to change, though I do have a list. I am not sure addressing the list would change anything in my heart and mind. I just wanted to put something out *there.*

The last time I was regularly seeing a psychiatrist I started a new medication and for the first time in as long as I could remember I was feeling like when I walked into a room, it was just me walking into a room, with my present mind and my present body. I didn’t have the weight of my thoughts, my feelings about how my body looked, what everyone else in the room saw. I haven’t changed my medication again, but that feeling of presence is gone. And I miss it. I don’t think there is any amount of yoga, meditating, salt floating dieting that can pull me out of this sluggish, sad, fat body. Not the one that you see when I walk in a room, the one that I feel every moment of my life.

I keep buying things. Clothes and plants mostly. It doesn’t help. I would like to test if a vacation would help.