Yesterday morning I pulled up to daycare and handed over my precious son to his caregivers. I walked away with tears in my eyes and the feeling that I was leaving a piece of myself behind. We joke around in our house about how Eliot and I are BFF’s, but the emptiness I feel when I know I won’t be seeing him all day is no joke. the 11 weeks I spent at home with Eliot went by in a flash, but it was also excruciatingly slow. It seemed like it too forever for him to feel solid and secure in my arms instead of the skinny little rag doll I brought home from the hospital. I spent my days staring down at his little face just willing him to smile at me. I rocked and bounced and nursed him to get him to happily nap. I struggled with balancing time spent holding my baby that I knew would be grown and uninterested in my snuggles before I am ready, with the need to pick up my house and take advantage of time off work to organize closets.
I could go on a long rant about our culture not taking care of new moms and not valuing the importance of babies being fully bonded into a family before leave balances are expired but it seems so worthless, as nobody really cares about those things, at least no one that can make a difference. I will try to focus on what I did get, and try to get past the bad feelings I have about what I am not getting. Just like I tell my children, you can’t have everything you want. I just wish I didn’t feel like I wasn’t getting what I need. And people wonder why postpartum depression is such a huge problem.
I can’t even get into all of the reasons that yesterday was such a horrible day for me, suffice it to say that handing over my sweet baby that I know isn’t going to take well to days without to me, was not the worst part of my morning. We have some real issues in our family that I don’t think it is fair to blog about, because it isn’t all my story to tell. I love my children, all of them, but sometimes I have to remind myself of that fact. It hurts to not always like the ones we love, and I am hurting badly.
So there. It’s not rosy and it’s my reality right now. Maybe I can follow up with a happier more grateful post later, but right now I am choking back the bitter taste of anger and sadness.